Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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