hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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