we're chasing vodka with high fives
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
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