She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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