Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
