i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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