Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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