answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
