just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
