You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
