if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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