No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I love you. Go after that dick
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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