He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Pants are for mortals
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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