I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
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