I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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