His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
