I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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