Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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