I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
