i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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