help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
