i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
