I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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