I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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