I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
