and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Someone came in the potted fern
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize