Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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