Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
