He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
