How'd it feel making her break her religion?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
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The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
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YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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