getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
