I can tuck mytits in my pants
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
