just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
