The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
im having a threesome with these popsicles
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
