My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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