I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Randomize
