I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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