the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
