we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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