Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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