mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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