I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
