Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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