I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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