every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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