You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
