You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
