I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
