Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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