idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
