i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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