im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
