if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
