Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
