What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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