So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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