i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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