Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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