sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
