Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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