I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
