So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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