I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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